I D T RUSSELL, HEREBY SELF-APPOINT ME as President, Pasta, Faithful but Indiscreet Servant, Profit(eer), and Unquestionable Spiritual Leader of The Witch Tower Twaddle & Crap Society (herein referred to as “The Society”).
Otherwise known as The Spiritual Trombone Blast
May it be duly noted, but preferably downplayed, that “The Society” believes in much that may be considered by the uninitiated and spiritually incontinent to be complete and utter “twaddle”.
Unperturbed by such malicious persecution, which is in itself clear evidence of our Divine appointment as the Lord’s “channel”, we hereby resolve not to be put off by those who would point out the facts, but to keep peddling our twaddle and crap as an unquestionable sign of our blessing from the Divine Matrix, otherwise known as the Ultimate Reality Underlying All Phenomena, otherwise known as Sauce, otherwise known as the great “I Am”, otherwise known as ME.
The following non-sensical and/or entirely unprovable beliefs are to be accepted by all Sauce-loving people the world over as The 33 Pillows of Absolute Truth.
WE (ME) BELIEVE, to wit (I’ve always wanted to say that):
1. There is no God.
2. El and Yahweh were extraterrestrial beings originally worshipped by the Canaanites as “gods” (with a teeny, tiny “g”), and conflated into the LORD Almighty Good God is that the Time JEHOVAH?! around the 4th or 5th Century BCE.
3. El is dead.
4. Yahweh is dead.
5. Long live Baal.
6. If we accidentally refer to “God”, we/me mean Sauce.
7. Jesus was cool, but not God.
8. Jesus was the “Son of God”, but isn’t everybody?
9. Jesus did miracles because he was an occultist from India.
10. Revelation was written by a guy on drugs.
11. Ezekiel was abducted by aliens.
12. Chakras are real.
13. Ley lines are real.
14. Crystals are alive (and Israel’s High Priest knew it).
15. The Universe is Conscious.
16. Religion is a tennis racquet.
17. Beards are cool. All brothers should wear beards. So should some sisters.
18. Original sin is not a thing. Original flavour Hoola Hoops are.
19. The Memorial of Jesus’ death should be commemorated, but not celebrated—why the HELL would you celebrate a guy being crucified?—weekly, on a Friday, by passing a donna kebab with garlic mayo Sauce among initiates.
20. Hell does not exist.
21. Jehovah’s Witnesses are a cult. Cults are bad.
22. Anthony “Tight Pants” Morris III is the spawn of Satan.
23. Stephen “Rubber Face” Lett is a reptile from the planet Gog of Magog.
24. David Splane’s stick is an illusion.
25. The governing body of Jehovah’s Witnesses can go to hell.
26. Hell exists.
27. The Watch Tower Bible & Tract Society is a counterfeit of The Witch Tower Twaddle & Crap Society, created by the Devil himself to confuse those “rightly disposed” as rubbish.
28. There is no Devil.
29. Leviticus 19:28 no longer applies.
31. Onions are underrated.
32. Nothing makes sense.
33. Nothing matters.
† Someone at Bethel stole the 30th pillow.
‡ The remaining 32 Pillows of Absolute Truth are subject to change as and when they are found to be false, or whenever “The Society” feels like it.
BREAKING NEWS: The Witch Tower Twaddle & Crap Society is bringing back cart witnessing, commencing September 1, 2022.