I AM IN A BANK. Someone is firing a gun. I fall to my knees and crawl towards the front door. There is a really loud gunshot. I lay on the floor and play dead.
Suddenly, I find myself in a pool with my ex-girlfriend. We place a large rectangular cardboard box over our heads and sink to the bottom of the pool. The air pocket in the box keeps us from drowning. An estranged friend is watching from a swinging patio chair. She comes over to see what we’re doing. I surface from the bottom of the pool and tell her to clear off. Then I tell my ex-girlfriend I am disfellowshipped. “If we want to be together again,” I say, “I will need to get reinstated.”
I am driving my red Yugo really fast. My mum is sitting in the passenger seat. I drive over the edge of a cliff. As the car plummets to the ground we jump out of the windows. The car smashes into the ground below us but we float gently down to earth. We find ourselves in a cul-de-sac of 1980s houses. I walk from house to house looking for my car which I think has turned into a toy. Everywhere I look there are red toy cars, but none of them are mine.
I go inside one of the houses. It’s the home of Jim and Anne—two customers I used to do work for. Jim and Anne say we can stay with them. My mum has now morphed into my ex-wife. We have our oldest daughter with us. I leave my mum-cum-ex-wife and daughter with Jim and Anne and go for a walk around the cul-de-sac.
I find a phone laying in the street. I pick it up and consider keeping it, but then I decide to try and find the owner. I knock at the house next door to Jim’s and ask the man who answers if he’s lost his phone. He says the phone is his and he thanks me for returning it. Then the man comes out of his house and asks me to follow him. We walk down the side of his house and he points to the side wall. “Can you crack it?” he asks, “I want to claim on my insurance.” I nip next door to Jim’s back garden and return with a massive sledgehammer. I smash the hammer into the wall and cause a few cracks. Jim hears the noise and comes round to take photos in case his house is damaged in the process.
Suddenly, I hear screaming coming from the house the other side of Jim’s. I rush round and find a woman in the kitchen doing CPR on her elderly mother. The mother is bleeding heavily, but she is still alive. I tell the daughter to stop doing CPR. I run back to Jim’s house and ask Anne to call 999. Then I wait outside for the ambulance to arrive. The paramedics soon turn up and we go into the neighbour’s house expecting to see the mother still lying on the floor covered in blood, but everything is suspiciously normal. The mother and daughter are fine. There’s no blood. It’s as if nothing happened.
I return to Jim’s house. My ex-wife asks me to take her away for a weekend. She waves a credit card at me and complains it’s not working. I tell her I don’t want to spend any time with her. I look round and see my daughter piling up food and drink by the front door. She says she’s leaving because she hates her mum.