The Man With No Head

   Dream Journal

I WAS IN A FIELD WITH MY SISTER. The air was thick with a resistance to it. We could barely move our arms. I was explaining the principle of lift to my sister in very basic terms. We ran around the field with our arms outstretched and managed to fly due to the thickness of the air. Back home, my sister told my dad what I’d taught her. My dad said I was wrong and began to explain lift in more scientific terms. I got upset and went up to my bedroom. I looked out of my bedroom window and could see my dad, mum, and sister waiting for me in the car. They were going on field ministry. I had told my dad I wasn’t going because I no longer believed in Jehovah’s Witnesses and was fed up pretending. My mum came upstairs and told me she and my dad were getting a divorce. She said she was keeping the house and that I could continue to live with her if I wanted to. 

Aunt Betty (I’ve no idea who she is) had a Policeman visit her cottage. The neighbours had reported a bad smell to the Police. Aunt Betty let the Policeman in and he took a look around. Then he said to her, “Ma’am, there is a man in your bedroom.” “Goodness”, replied Aunt Betty, “what’s he doing in there?” “Not much”, said the Policeman, “He’s dead, ma’am.” Aunt Betty hadn’t been in her bedroom for months on account of the fact she sleeps in her chair. No one knew how the dead man came to be in her bedroom, but now Aunt Betty was the number one suspect in a murder enquiry.

I found myself in a small room with a group of people. Mark Knopfler was there performing a concert. I had my guitar with me. Mark played for a while. Then we moved to another small room. Mark got us to arrange our chairs in a circle. He carried on playing, but I couldn’t hear him very well because there was a loud air conditioning unit in the room. A group of violinists in an adjoining room were accompanying Mark. We moved into the other room and that’s when I realised we were in a Jehovah’s Witnesses Assembly Hall. Four regular pioneers arrived late to the concert. They had been on the field ministry. I then realised the audience was made up entirely of Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mark Knopfler had just been the warm-up act. Some Jehovah’s Witnesses got up on stage and started to sing. They were terrible. Mark Knopfler came and sat on my chair, squashing me between him and the woman next to me. Everyone was swaying from side to side to the music, and I was dribbling on Mark’s shoulder. Mark got up to leave. I sat up in my chair and, stretching my legs out, kicked a can of Coca Cola over. Rather than clean it up I just wiped it into the carpet with my foot. More terrible acts ensued. Then, a video was shown on a large screen of my old friend, Steve, on the field ministry. He had been caught on Google Maps working the wrong territory. 

Suddenly, a “brother” in the row adjacent to me started having a heart attack. Then, another guy started grasping his chest in pain. I had to decide who to save first. I ascertained that the first guy was the most serious and so I dragged him out of his seat and to the back of the room. He went into cardiac arrest. I sent someone to get a defibrillator. I cut open his shirt and tried to shave his hairy chest so the electrode pads would stick, but the razor blade wasn’t working. I sent for an ambulance and started doing CPR. Other people joined in while waiting for the ambulance. Meanwhile, the other guy was still complaining of being in pain. I assessed him and initially thought he had pulled a muscle, but then he passed out and I determined he was also in cardiac arrest! I sent for the defibrillator again, and this time the razor blade was working. I shaved his chest and placed the electrode pads on him. I gave him a shock from the defibrillator and he came back to life. Then, as I left the concert, I passed someone who was saying Facebook is bad.

I was late for a meeting at the Kingdom Hall. I walked down to the front row and took a seat. I had no shoes on, just white socks. A few minutes later, a young man behind me stood up and collapsed in the aisle. I jumped up from my seat and dragged him to the back. Suddenly, he regained consciousness and ran out of the auditorium. He locked himself in the men’s toilet. I kicked the door open and found he had tried to kill himself by sticking wads of toilet tissue down his throat. I pulled the tissues out of what I thought was his throat but then realised he had no head, just a hole in the top of his neck! I called for an ambulance, but while I was waiting, the man with no head jumped up and ran away. I chased after him with a pram. Eventually, I caught up with him in an abandoned warehouse. He was unconscious again. I put him in the pram and wheeled him back to the Kingdom Hall just as the ambulance arrived. The paramedics were criticising me for my first aid efforts, saying I was a “know it all”.

It was the end of the school year. I was leaving secondary school and was carrying bags full of my school things to my car. I was flying above everyone. Then I found myself at an end-of-school party. I was outdoors in a field with all the teachers and pupils. I was the DJ. I had brought a load of PA equipment and some old records with me and was charging £25 for my services. Noel Gallagher was there. I had my guitar with me. Noel, myself, and a few others tried playing Don’t Look Back in Anger together, but Noel was rubbish so I packed everything up and left. One or two of the pupils asked if they could keep in touch with me.